GRIT

Today I watched a lecture by Mark Ogletree about Grit. I wanted to write it down and post it so I am reminded about it in a year. It's a great reminder really, something (particularly pertinent to myself with children) we need to teach the current generation and future generations! 

What is GRIT then? It's not an acronym haha, it's grit. Good old fashion hard work, get your hands dirty (okay that could be literal or metaphorical), fail and pick yourself up again grit.  It's a "mix of passion, perseverance and self discipline that keeps us moving despite obstacles". It's working hard despite it being hard, and failing sometimes and succeeding sometimes. Grit is "a greater predictor of success than actual talent". 

Why then is this important? I notice amongst my peers that an occasional conversation I have participated in references the "spoiled" or "privileged" or "doesn't know how to work" "kids these days". Part of the problem is the changing world, particularly in regards to technology, and part is us as parents. You'll recognize the term "helicopter parenting" or an "insulated life". These prevent grit from being learned. I liked this lecture because I see where I teach solid grit to my kids and I also see where I fall short. Mark Ogletree rattled off a bunch of statistics that I didn't write down, but the one I remember is that in the 60s like 86% of children walked to school on the their own, while today about 15% walk to school on the own. Often due to "safety" concerns - which I'm not saying aren't real - but on the flip side it is one more area where grit or resilience has been lost.

Here are some key notes I made:

1. Resistance Molds Character - we need to allow failures and bruises to happen. "Hard is part of the circle of life". "Miserable days are healthy and necessary". And a religious quote by President Benson that spoke to me: "No cross - No crown. No gal - no glory. No thorns - No throne."

2. Distractions stop our grit development - screens and helicopter parenting are big culprits. We live in the most distracting generation to date I would argue. Hard work gets lost in the video games, google searches and social media. 

3. Teaching our children grit - we need to be warm and supportive AND demanding. We need to be gritty parents (lol) and teach by example. We need to teach them to be tough, courageous, to bounce back, gospel principles, do to hard things, to not whine and complain, to not be depressed when we don't get our way, and we need to nurture, not coddle. 
    *FYI I am not unaware of mental health blocks for they are rampant in my household, but it doesn't mean grit still can't be achieved and nurtured. These are mere simple suggestions, and I see my own helicopter parenting come into place in some areas that I use the excuse of mental health - it takes a very fine balance for sure, and I can't say I'm an expert at finding the balance! But I do agree with re-evaluation on a regular basis.

4. More ways to teach grit:
    -Share personal stories of your own or others. Ex: "I used to walk to school in a snow storm up hill both ways" kind of stuff ;) 
    -Let each of us and our children do things on their own
    -Let there be winners and losers and teach good sportsmanship and work ethic
    -Don't give trophies to every kid (ugh LOL eyeroll when this happens)
    -Teach to expect hard things to com about and to accept the challenge
    -Help find individual passions, and teach them to put your heart and soul into it (without becoming obsessive lol that's my disclaimer)
    -Teach them to step outside their comfort zone

The lecture was ended with something Sheri Dew said - we were the ones saved for this final dispensation, we are the strong ones, not the weakest ones. Lets live up to our divine birthright. 

So ya! This idea of GRIT is so important. It got me thinking (again) about my own kids. I have constantly struggled with how to teach my kids how to be hard workers. I grew up on an acreage or farm type living most of my childhood, and I learned how to work because it was -there-. I didn't grow up a city kid, and its been extremely challenging to teach my kids work ethic! AND since -I- am very gritty (lol) it's easier for me to just do it, because I LIKE to work! Not because I don't want my kids to do it, but I enjoy hard work. It's a tough balance, and I like these reminders. 

Our kids need us. Our kids need us not to give them what they want, when they want it. And we need to be gritty too. 

Eve (yes, Adam and Eve)

In the temple yesterday I had an enlightening experience of further knowledge! For those who are not members of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints, as members if we choose, we can further our commitments and to God and go through the temple. :)  One thing about doing a session at the temple,  you have the opportunity to be taught the creation and the fall (creation of the world, Adam and Eve's experience in the garden of Eden, being tempted to eat the fruit of the tree, and being cast out).

This week, as I was sitting listening in the temple session, I realized how -truthful- Lucifer was! Up until a certain point, he never actually lied to Eve. The key difference was his intentions were not loving and with purpose for the greater good of mankind.

The debate is whether Eve sinned or not. (I've actually heard ridiculous notions that Eve is evil for her choice). So, some back story: Adam and Eve were placed in the garden. Jesus Christ and God (2 separate individuals for the record) placed them there in their paradisical state (not mortal, but not like God either) and said (not a direct quote clearly) 'please care for this garden and all that is in it, and I command you not eat the fruit from the tree of good and evil for you shall surely die' then he says 'nevertheless it is your choice'.

Many things dawned on me here:
1. Commandment vs Command
Commandments: when you look at the 10 commandments, they are non-negotiable laws. "Thou shalt not kill" "Thou shalt love they God..." "Thou shalt not commit adultery". If you do not follow these, they are a very distinct, very clear sin (needing repentance).
Command: Giving direction. Consider this comparison: when our children are young, we very clearly command  them never to touch the stove. EVER. If you do you will die (lol dramatic for effect). But in reality, that is not true. We are parenting them in their lack of abilities/maturity. Clearly as they get older, we teach them to bake and to cook, etc.

2. Sin vs Transgression
Simply put, a sin is doing something wrong.
A Transgression means making a prohibited choice.
Both have consequences.

3. Forbidden
We know the fruit is called the "forbidden fruit" which confuses us as we study sin vs transgression. I think we need to consider the Lord was saying 'if you want to stay here in the garden, the fruit is forbidden' - for the sake of keeping Adam and Eve's agency in tact (a key component to Jesus Christ's plan for us vs Lucifers who wanted all the glory and power for himself). Once again Adam and Eve were not told "don't you dare ever eat this fruit" - they were given the choice - Life in the Garden of Eden=no fruit, Death/Mortality=eat fruit.
I also like to think that while they stayed in the garden, that they were receiving continual teachings for it has taken me 30 years to get this understanding of this part of the creation. ;)

So - taking Eve into account, she was given a choice. Heavenly Father did not give her a commandment to not partake of the tree, but gave her a command (see above). She transgressed, she did not sin - both of which have consequences. In order to have mortality and fulfill the actual commandment (to have children) she had to make a choice. The "fall" as we know it to be called, of Adam and Eve could not have happened if Eve hadn't chosen to partake.

She chose. She chose US. "Adam fell that men might be" is a truth. Now it is our job as women to be as brave and discerning as Eve in our lives today.

Executive Functioning

As I have learned about my children over the years with how to work with them best in raising them and in their schoolwork, I have discovered (to date) 2 of the 3 of my boys are ADHD, and have Executive Functioning weaknesses (often affiliated with ADHD but doesn't mean you can't have EF weaknesses anyways because I most definitely do!). We all have areas of weakness of course, but it's been neat to define it (I am a fan of knowledge). Learning what EF is and that it even exists has been life changing.

Let me share a basic run down of the 11 key Executive Skills at a very basic level:

1. Impulse control - being able to think before acting, or resisting the urge to do something

2. Working memory - ability to hold information in memory while performing complex tasks

3. Emotional control - managing emotions and being able to complete tasks or reach goals (while managing those emotions)

4. Sustained attention - keeping on task despite distractions, fatigue or boredom

5. Task initiation - ability to being projects without a-lot of procrastination

6. Planning/prioritizing - being able to make a plan to reach a goal or finish a task

7. Organization - ability to create and maintain systems to keep things in order

8. Time Management - recognizing time is important and being able to guess how much time you have, how to allocate it, and how to stay within times and deadlines

9. Goal-Directed persistence - completing a goal or job with an end goal in mind (ex: finishing schoolwork to earn a break/recess)

10. Flexible thinking - ability to revise plans or deal with obstacles or setbacks or new information. Being able to adapt to change

11. Metacognition - to be able to look at what you've done or completed and self evaluate (ex: How did that really go? Can I make it better? How am I doing?) - critiquing own personal performance

As you can see, and probably see in yourself or your children or someone you know as you read through those, there are multiple ways a person can struggle. Someone who has strong EF skills can do all of these things, and all of these things at the same time in some cases. What seems like a no-brainer to one, is a real struggle to another.

In my own family my one son has poor impulse control (which has resulted in some safety scares), has poor working memory (which may or may not be a learning disability for him), has poor planning/prioritizing, organization and metacognition skills. And the others aren't necessarily strong, but compared to the listed they are strong-er. :) Has this made it easy for us to work with him? Not always, but has learning about these, diagnosing, and seeking resources and additional helps helped? Absolutely. We have strategies in place that are ever changing, but also very helpful.

My other son is almost an exact opposite in some ways, yet struggles in the same weakness. He has very weak emotional control, sustained attention, task imitation, planning/prioritizing, organizing, time management, and metacognition as his top weaknesses. On top of it he has a fairly extreme (to me) Sensory processing disorder which is in some ways why some of his skills are weak. We work with an OT, and other people in order to help him know and feel good about himself and succeed academically and socially. It's alot of work, but knowledge is power. Knowledge has brought for me a significant amount of patience and love for my children. Without the "diagnosis" I was just constantly irritated and mad.

Homeschool has been a wonderful choice for us because of alot of these weaknesses. If he were at school I would be doing equal amounts of work to help him fit into the academic world, or more work for that matter! This way we have learned and sought strategies to provide a safe, loving, and accepting atmosphere for his learning (I say his, but I mean both of my boys for sure).

Myself: I have impulse control weakness but I have learned how to control it. I would say I have working memory problems because of my own educational experience. I have attention weakness if something isn't entertaining to me (and find myself bored easily and zone out if that's the case), I have great task initiation but not always great follow through on my ideas, unless it's very exciting to me. I have had to self teach myself how to be a flexible thinker - that is a definite weakness for me that I have to work hard on. So there you have it! It doesn't make me a bad person, it makes me aware of my shortcomings and strengths and gives myself an opportunity not to be hard on myself.

Last thing I wanted to share was a graph given to me at a recent talk I attended at the Alberta Children's Hospital regarding executive functioning:

So this chart was an exceptional addition to my knowledge bank. This chart is based on a "neurotypical" person. If your child has ADHD or autism, etc, they still can/do learn the skills, but just imagine the chart essentially the same, just dropped down lower than the one above.
In this chart we see that from BIRTH to age roughly 25 we are learning and developing our Executive Function skills. Yes theres a sharp incline of learning from 0-8, where it levels off, but we are still improving our "proficiency" til mid 20s. At that point it levels off for long time and it isn't til early/mid 30s where they start to ever so slowly weaken. So, when we joke and laugh about how we keep forgetting things, or managing time becomes harder the older we get, or we become more rigid in our thinking, etc, its actually true! Here is the proof (I believe this study was done at Harvard University)!

As I said, I really enjoyed this chart, it made me feel better about myself LOL. An interesting thought the speaker shared was that if we don't use it, we will lose it. It's important we always put a valiant effort into our skills and weaknesses.

So there you have it. This is my basic understanding of Executive Functioning weakness. I have read some excellent books on the topic, one being The Impulsive Disorganized Child. It has been my most favourite and applicable to our lives. I did read "Smart but Scattered" - I just found it more dry so I didn't get much out of it. Another excellent resource for raising kids has also been "Raising Human Beings" - teaching me how to more appropriately communicate with my kids and foster a 'compatibility' with them.

https://www.amazon.ca/Impulsive-Disorganized-Child-Functioning-Difficulties-ebook/dp/B00UVPG8KU/ref=dp_kinw_strp_1

Gilmore Girls - my opinions!

Okay - over the last 9-ish months I watched the entire Gilmore Girls series plus the "seasons" (I will call the Winter, Spring, Summer, Fall episodes the seasons for the sake of simplicity through the blog). And I have so many opinions I wanted to vent and share, so I figured why not get it out in a blog post, which in irony breaks a 2 year hiatus from my last blog post!

I also want to say that if you haven't watched everything, there are very clear and definite spoilers in this post.

First of all, in some ways this should be my last comment, but it's the one I most strongly feel about so i'm going to talk about it first:

 Logan and Rory
When Logan proposed to Rory I truly believe that she should have said yes at that point. Especially because they clearly have feelings for each other in the "seasons" as they have a side relationship on a fairly consistent basis and Rory clearly relies on/turns to Logan for a lot (plus I am sure the baby is his).
But, I have VERY strong feelings about the fact her reasoning of wanting a career first was ridiculous. For the previous 2-3 years they had juggled being apart and very successfully kept their relationship going. Yes they had problems, but all of her relationships did and she being a self centered women raised by someone like Lorelai, I don't suspect much less!  When push comes to shove though, For more years than not, Rory had a relationship with Logan who was always there for her no matter what and would have supported her through her Obama campaign and life ventures.

Rory and her other relationships:
Rory essentially had 3 main relationships and alot of broken hearts.

Dean: I was so happy to see Dean go. They rave about how he was such the perfect boyfriend and blah blah blah (they meaning Rory and Lorelai), but yet he was the most whiny, annoying one of them all. And the whole cheating portion of the series really made me angry. That's never okay no matter what you're feeling and its one of the reasons I find Rory's character so fake.

Sidebar comment about Rory: I never understood why everyone put her on this big pedestal. She was a home wrecker, cheating, spoiled rich girl who got what she wanted when she wanted it - sure she was kind to people, but that doesn't undo the other stuff.

Jess: I always liked Jess. He was a neat character and it was nice to see Rory have to be hurt instead of doing all the hurting (Dean, Dean's ex, Marty, even Paul at the end, and Jess in some ways). I thought he was a great match for her but at the same time he needed years of growing up. By the end, I love the parallelism between Jess is Rory's Luke, and Logan is Rory's Christopher. But I do think she should have ended up with Logan. But Jess would be a great choice as well! (I feel the same about Luke and Christopher - both were acceptable)

Logan: Rory may have been raised by Lorelai, but she was a "Gilmore" through and through and Logan was her perfect match to match her high maintenance personality. Logan was fun and exciting and pushed her to new limits and then of course his father had all the connections to what she wanted out of life (I won't be talking about the Huntsbergers at this time lol). Logan also truly loved her. I can't know for sure if he'd be faithful to Rory considering he wasn't faithful to his fiancée WITH Rory.

Loralai
Oh Lorelai. She was ridiculously funny and that speaks alot for her character, but her apple didn't fall far from her tree - she was so self centered and the queen of the world. The more I think about her as a character, humor doesn't go that far when you treat everyone around you like garbage. Her mother and father, Luke, Christopher, Jason, Max, etc. were all by products of her horrible relationship skills.  She is really quite a trashy person actually the more I think on it! She treats Sooki horribly (granted I do know the show wasn't about Sooki, but rarely did you EVER see her ask how she was, she only used Sooki as a sounding board - 1 way friendship), and she did that with everyone in the show far as I could tell.

I most was disappointed in how she treated her mother. Now don't get me wrong - Emily was a fairly snot faced nasty herself, but how many times did Lorelai hurt her mother through the series by not calling her when something big happened. And then Lorelai would apologize and do it again 2 episodes down the road! Like come on - don't be such a jerk! She trashed Emily and Richard every chance she could and I hated that - but again, I know why they did it (for the sake of the entertainment of the show)

Seasons
Now the seasons - I really liked the seasons minus the weird "musicals" and dance-offs they had an overwhelming abundance of, but I hated the ending. If you're going to end it like that I really think they should have planned a continuance of the show.

Here's my full thoughts on the end on why I think Logan is the father. In the "seasons" she slept with only 2 characters: the "wookie", and multiple times: Logan. Now don't quote me on this, but I think the one night stand happened too many weeks back so it felt like she'd be farther along by the time she told Lorelai.

But! with Logan, the conversation with Christopher (who I alluded earlier in this post that I felt was a parallel between  Logan being "Rory's Christopher") about whether he wished he'd been more involved, etc makes me think it's Logan. ALL THAT BEING SAID - Logan would NOT be like Christopher (mainly because neither of them are 16 years old but rather 32). They were totally head over heels for each other, and Logan would be a very actively involved father I feel if he were given the chance, but back to my comments about Rory being self centered and "all about her" I could see her keeping it from him (or whoever the father is). ...and if they continued the show that would be when Jess would step in as the one who has always deeply cared for only Rory to save her.

But on another note: if this is a case with their long history that if it IS Logan's baby, they really should just get married and Rory can try and end this vicious cycle that her mother started of "needing to be independent and alone until I decide its best" mentality.

Lol. Did I express myself well? Anyways, that's what I feel - I don't respect the Gilmore Girls as people, but I certainly found the show entertaining and obviously it made me feel alot of emotions for various characters! Which to me is great entertainment :)

Social-Emotional

We see a behavioural therapist with our one son and she had a really profound thing to say a few sessions back that I have been meaning to write down for awhile!

She explained that as parents we all parent slightly differently (obviously), but specifically she pointed out that as people we are generally a little more social or a little more emotional in our approach in parenting. Some people swing wildly into the emotional side and some swing wildly into the other.

Let me explain the difference in how I understand it: Emotional parents are much more emotions based. They ooze love and make you feel loved just by looking at you. I bet you know someone just like that! I know I do! When a bad choice is made by a kid or something gets broken by a kid, an emotional parent quickly jumps in and checks that the kids emotions are ok! "how are you? are you hurt? how do you feel?" stuff like that.. then they will slide in the correction of behaviour (almost subtly per my observations - as a more social personality I occasionally pass judgement on their techniques - i'm learning however!).

Social parenting (which is ME) - we are rules oriented parents. "Say please. Say thank you. Do it this way. Do it that way." We raise our kids to be socially appropriate. We struggle with free spirit personalities because it doesn't follow 'the rules'.  We love our children but we aren't touchy feel in our approach. If a kid breaks something or hits someone we are very fast to correct and take care of the situation. I would maybe even say we a bit more firm?

Anyways i'm not an expert but that's how I see the difference of the two. You aren't ONE or the OTHER as a parent - I mean I certainly am not lacking in emotion, and I enjoy a good snuggle and I hug and kiss my kids, etc. I would say i'm probably 70-30 on average ;) And I arguably was even less before! With my son I have to push myself to be more 50-50 or even 60-40, which is extremely out of my comfort zone!

Something we learned from this with my son is that he needs to get a handle on his emotions before I can socially direct him. I need to "engulf" him emotionally before he will even hear me. We have to connect first and foremost. He is attracted to emotionally strong people - one of his favourite women just feeds him emotionally just by looking at him! She hugs him and LOVES him in ways that are almost uncomfortable and foreign to me. I'm not saying (nor do I feel) that I am a bad parent! But I have learned a NEED of my child. I am observing emotion based children more closely to learn how to be more so with him. It is challenging and a major shift, and I can never be perfect at it, but if it brings happiness to my kids then i'll do whatever it takes.

Just need to vent about weight loss

It's no secret that I want to lose a bit of weight and it's not secret my body does not make it easy on me. My most recent frustration is that I have spent the last month being very strict (because I specifically joined a weight loss challenge group) and I have lost basically nothing. The first week I dropped 3 lbs (but I consider that my flux weight - I was at the top of my flux weight before the challenge started), and I have gained back 2 of the 3 lbs as of this morning, almost 4 weeks later.

I am REALLY irritated. I have been careful not to exercise too much because I put myself on a 1250 cal diet - so my exercise was an occasional run or a zumba class or a Barre class - I even tried YOGA out (and I despise yoga!) lol.

I am seriously considering liposuction on my buttocks area because that's the area that my WHOLE LIFE I have tried to shrink down with no success.

Anyways I feel extremely deflated. In the past 6-9 months I have done everything from a suggestion a friend made that I wasn't eating enough calories so I ate a 1800 calorie diet for about 2 months. I never gained nor lost and it brought about SERIOUS craving issues for me which I have spent most of my life trying to overcome - there were days I had to sit back and force myself not to engorge on food after already eating at least 1800 cals already for the day. Everyone's experiences are different and my experience is that I want food. ALL. THE. TIME. I eat a meal and am never full. I have taught myself to stop eating - I am never satisfied. I have taught myself and feel most sane around the 12-1400 cal mark because I get enough fuel to be ok, and then if I do indulge on anything its not shooting me up into weight-gain.

I have done cleanses, I have done/do healthy eating, I exercise, I meditate, I do energy work. It's just all so deflating like I mentioned earlier.

NOW for the positive: Yes I whined above but sometimes you can't help how you feel. Let me tell you though that I actually like my body. Just because I have a dream of where I want it, doesn't mean I hate my current body. I have my trouble areas but I love my body shape! I am very lucky that I have elastic skin and have little stretch marks (they are white and hard to see), I am grateful that I am health conscious and that I'm teaching my children how to be healthy as well. I am grateful I can run and exercise without pain or discomfort.

There's always something to be grateful for, and I haven't given up... I just feel annoyed today :)

CRUISE 2017

It's almost here!!!

2017 is the year Michael and I have our 10 year wedding anniversary, so I told him 2 years ago that I want to go somewhere WARM for our 10 year without our children. Turns out Damen will be over 2, so I don't mind leaving him with grandparents at that time.

Michael and I LOVE a good cruise. We have never done a land resort mind you, but either way it has to be all inclusive - we love all inclusive and we loved our Alaskan cruise because of that! We didn't have to think about anything other than being back on the boat by 7.

We have a lot of friends interested in joining us  - which i'll believe it when they actually BOOK lol but how fun it would be to have friends there!

Where are we going? Well that's the billion dollar question. It'll be Caribbean of some sort. I would like to go in February before spring breaks hit and (aside from this year) February is generally cold! There's a lot more cruise options in the Carribbean than I ever imagined there to be! No matter what it'll be amazing i'm sure :)