Grade 1 almost done!

Well, We are almost complete Grade 1! And I knew we'd be done early, but I didn't think we'd be done in FEBRUARY. I have slowed right down and I am going to make it stretch into March. It has been heavy on my mind however because I don't know what to do from this point. Do I review? Do I move onto grade 2? Do I just give him a 4-5 month break?

So many choices! This particular situation would be handled differently with every child. Logan however after much much much thought and discussion I have decided to move into Grade 2 material after we address any areas of weakness (ex: penmanship).

Let me tell you a bit about Logan. Logan is a natural learner. I take no credit for his brain - he just gets it. Everything. He remembers everything too. We have had to discuss a topic once or twice and he is good to go. At his last assessment with our facilitator he is already reading at a grade 2, almost grade 3 level. He has areas of weakness like most, but in all subjects we don't have to linger anywhere for very long. It's been phenomenal to watch and learn from him!

I am definitely very proud of him - and I don't like to throw the proud word much as I think it can quickly turn into pride, but he works hard and fights with us a bit about it but generally he loves to learn!

And a side note: we have him in the following activities: homeschool gym day, piano lessons, horse back riding lessons and presently 4 week skating program. He also swims every friday with Michael and Carter as "swimming lessons". oh and he is in Beavers. He is a VERY busy boy yet not that busy LOL - he loves it. The riding lessons have been great on his "wimpyness" I'll call it, he is a hard worker and listens closely and is learning a lot of life skills from it - I wish it weren't so expensive because we really can't afford it but the benefits outweigh the negative points.

We look forward to summer break! We will have NO extra activities this year - summer is truly going to be a break and time to play in water and outdoors and as a family.

Kindergarden update (march)

Well i have zero regrets in my decision to homeschool. :) Logan is a fantastic reader, decent writer, great at math, and a natural learner all around. Sure he doesnt always want to do school, but he loves that he can read and write and sound things out. Since damens birth i basically gave up everything except reading and math. Whenever i found time we would do a craft or science or the "fun stuff" - just not as structured as when we started. We turn most of our lives into a natural lesson. We talk about geography and the earth and traffic laws and money! Its great.

But all in all Logan is right in track with his peers and i enjoy watching him excel! He amazes me. Hes the best firstborn a mom could ask for

Carter is even getting on the educational train :) he is bit more on the -not interested- side, but i got him his own workbook and i am extremely cautious not to criticize him at all or he wont do any of it. By this age logan was much farther ahead on the learning front - but t just proves to me (and teaches me) that i will have to work with them each much differently. But carter has been excited to "do my school" as he calls it - even if he does it strictly for mommy time, im ok with that!

Damen's Journey - updated apr 24

Damen’s Progress Report (I am adding to this blog on a regular basis so it may be a bit all over the place feeling at times but i wanted to keep his journey in one blog post as opposed to multiple ones)

As many of my ‘readers’ know we have had what the world defines as a “colicky” baby. I have always hated that word, and will continue to hate it because I don’t like it! I think there’s always a –reason- for discomfort and distress, it’s just a matter of finding out what it is and how to address it. Granted in babies, it’s harder because they can’t communicate outside of their constant crying.

Some backstory: I had a terrible pregnancy mentally and in some cases physically (but mostly mentally), and I had my worst delivery as far as delivery goes between the 3 boys. So frankly I’m not surprised I have a “negative” baby out of the mix. He didn’t have much a chance being his entire utero experience was negative. He spent the first 2-3 days of his life basically just straight sleeping. I don’t blame him... what an experience it is for them coming from the womb! He “growled” his first three days. Sounded like a little motorbike. I suspected it was gunk in his throat, etc from swallowing or something. Then the days went on and the SCREAMING and crying started. Damen has a voice like no other. And he is 0 to 100. That’s how he rolls... no in between lol

Well as the weeks went on I was aware of his fussing, and I could tell it was definitely gastro-intestinal discomfort with the way he moved and wriggled in pain. I decided to wait until 6 weeks to “do” anything about it because there’s a lot of development that happens that first 6 weeks of life. (outside of doing some Bowen therapy on him of course and I took him to the chiropractor that I see). Then the 6 week mark hit and he was still in just as much discomfort as before. Now I started to get a game plan in place. So over the next 2-4 weeks we did the following at various times:

1.       Chiropractor – I found my chiro when I was pregnant with Carter. She has worked on me and all of my children and she uses a machine (and manual when needed) that taps. It’s gentle yet effective and I love it. She made sure that Damen was aligned. He had some restrictions that I noticed in his neck and hips so with her help we got him loosened up.

2.       Baby Bowen & Meridian Massage – I of course do Bowen Therapy, so I when I could did baby bowen on Damen. I, after the fact learned that it is safe to use any of the bowen procedures on babies, which I didn’t know. I assumed the baby bowen moves were the only approved ones for infants. Interesting about the Meridian Massage: it is something from my Touch For Health training. My sister in law mentioned her colicky baby had some meridian issues which relieved his colic, so I thought why don’t I “run” Damens and his neurovasculars, neurolymphatics, etc. He strangely enough was very uncomfortable when I did this work, especially if I did anything energetic around his head.  In fact, I could not even hold certain spots on his head because he just screamed in agony! I was shocked at how sensitive he was to the energetic work. I stuck at that point to just “running his meridians” as I didn’t’ want to overdo it on his poor body.  (The image is called the time of day balance but it is the only picture I could find that displayed all the meridians in one photo)

3.       Kari Rose – she is a practitioner that does not have a “title” per say, she has a ton of different energy work styles she does including craniosacral, visceral, etc. It’s a hands on therapy that uses energy to balance the body. She got Damen’s organs “in place” and he had a few releases with these 2 sessions.

 

4.       Naturopath – Carrie Mitchell got me committed and motivated to do the “breastfeeding diet” as I have been calling it. This consists of eating a whole foods diet which includes the rules of no corn, no wheat, no dairy, minimal carbs (rice, potatoes), and minimal or no gas-producing vegetables/fruit (cucumbers, zucchini, onion, pineapple, etc). Outside of that I did not find a natuopath helpful as she didn’t really have much information for me that I didn’t already know or was already doing.

5.       Infant Massage – Damen really enjoyed his infant massage. I took him to Rosanne deBeautrap and I did not notice any profound results from it per say, but Damen just was very happy and content to be professionally rubbed. J and considering his state up to this point I think that was a very important experience for him to have – something positive and enjoyable that feels good to his body

6.       Live&Dry blood analysis – in February 2015, this blood analysis appointment was a real turning point in my knowledge base of what was really going on with Damen. I am quite well versed in this because I host Wendy (the practitioner) at my home this past year, plus have been receiving blood analysis yearly for over a decade myself.  I’ve seen a large variety of screen shots. Damens was TERRIBLE! He has major digestive problems. He is NOT digesting well, and his colon and intestines and entire digestive tract are completely inflamed. Also he is full of mucous – which isn’t shocking because mucous is a self defense of the body when there is distress or injury, etc. He also has intestinal bacteria. candida, stress and parasites due to the state of his poor little body. Then March 2015 (6 weeks later) he was mildly improved. Parasites were gone, but his digestive tract was still enflamed with minimal improvement. I listed below some of the supplements I used based on our findings. (Sadly with Damen being an infant there’s not many proven or tested products, so we have been truly trial and error)

7.       Body Talk – March 12^th we did this latest modality. When I called around looking for a practitioner, I was specifically looking for someone to tell me if I was eating any foods specifically that were causing Damen his discomfort (kind of like in touch for health you can use muscle testing to determine sensativities). At the Amarylis Center here in Cochrane a lady named Martha was recommended. I had never met this lady and it was a true experience! She is VERY energetically driven and I believe she truly has a great gift. Some of it was beyond my belief system and was a little ‘out there’ – and coming from me, that means something haha! She told me that Damen is an old soul type personality, and very sensitive to others and their energies. She told me that he seemingly felt obligated to some spirits (on Michael’s mom’s side of the family). She told me (by name) that a boy I babysit named Grayson combined with Carter (on days that they don’t get along) that it really affected Damen’s energy field negatively. She was able to tell me about how my negative birth really affected mine and Damen’s bonding in the beginning (which it did), and she told me how Michael’s inability to communicate through conflict really ‘hurts’ him on a deep level. She said that alot of this negative stuff was bogging down Damen’s digestive system. (which take it how you will, but combined with my knowledge and experiences with various modalities, alot of this stuff makes sense to me and I felt very good about the information she gave me).
-Side bar: Earlier I mentioned Damen’s head and not being able to do any work around it. That was one of the first things Martha picked up on and she said even SHE wasn't going to work on it. She says that she feels almost all of his “issues” are based around his head – physically and emotionally and energetically. She said she could work on it but she felt strongly that a colleague of hers who is an osteopath would be better suited for Damen’s case. So we have him booked in for a session with Dr. Jeffrey next week.

8.       Young Living Oil – Digize. We just started this March 16^th – here’s the information I have about it:

9.       Osteopath: March 26th, 2015 I took Damen to see Dr Geoffrey's who is an osteopath from England who was in town that Martha the Body Talk lady referred us to. No idea what an osteopath is going in, still really no idea what one is going out of it LOL but I am pretty open to trying new things in the holistic world. Dr Geoffrey's used tuning forks to balance Damen. First he did some energy craniosacral stuff on his head to release some of the incredible tension in his skull, then moved on to the forks. Basically he tapped them together and moved them around different energy fields searching for an imbalance. The tune of the forks would make a different sound in an imbalanced field (and it's true, his small intestine area made a twangy sound at the beginning of the session). So he finished his session and sent me home with some great information (gonna post about it further down regarding how to start feeding him solids) and said give him 3 days and see what happens. After 2 days I was feeling like it was a total waste of $100 and then the next day I was (oddly enough) pleasantly surprised by a big huge bright yellow poop! Up to this point his poop has been green and murky and mucousy and smelly, and then BAM - yellow! The green stuff is a sure sign of improper digestion and poor liver function, etc and it should be the yellow stuff, so I was (for one of the few times in my life I can say this) excited to see that! And then his nose... he has had a hugely runny nose now for just over a day - which to me is exciting because he must be draining some of the mucous that I mentioned previously was ALL over his insides! So, I am pleased with the tentative outcome :) 

Kari Rose and the Chiropractor and Bowen worked on Damen’s physical self – “realigning” his structural self, which had some definite misalignments, and he had some success with these practitioners. Meridians and Martha with her body talk worked on the emotional/energetic front more. Unfortunately, It’s sadly trial and error because there is not much you can give a child in the supplement world. What we've come up with is:

1.       Aloe vera (I have a tasteless liquid brand) – a few drops for a few days then a few days off

2.       D-drops continued

3.       Probiotic – I use baby Gaia drops twice a day

4.       Me: Herbasante Parazap for the parasites – hoping it crosses the milk barrier

5.       Me: Fenugreek for the mucous – hoping it crosses the milk barrier

6.       Me: Probiotics, omega 3s, multivitamin/min, B12 – promote extra healthy milk

So the theory we are going with is that Damen will get what he needs from these things through my milk to help his digestive tract. I do realize that maybe he is just under-developed in the digestive tract, and “time will heal all wounds” so to speak. Damen stopped crying at the 3 month mark but he still groans and grunts when eating, and has smelly diapers (for someone on “perfect milk”) and has a lot of dirty diapers – more than I’d say is normal but not enough to cause a doctor to be concerned.

My worst case scenario thoughts are that Damen has crohnes disease or something along the lines of that (it runs in my family which is why I suspect it at all). Tho, if we get that far to need to see a doctor, I will still look for other alternatives because I don’t want to put my baby through that kind of invasive testing if I can help it. My doctor is not on the same wavelength as I am. I saw him to get a note for Damen to receive massage treatments (for our benefits we require a note), and upon inquiring his thoughts on colic, he blatantly said to give up nursing and bottle feed ‘that’ll fix it’. So, going to see my doctor isn't top on my list.

Anyways! Here’s praying my newest info and journey lead us in the right direction and I can help my poor sweet baby feel better and be the happy baby I know he wants to be!

Feeding my baby solids when the time comes: Dr Geoffrey's suggested I look into www.gaps.me to look at the diet she recommends when starting babies on solids. Now the site is a bit over the top for me, but -generally- I am very pleased with the food program for starting new babies. Basically it's a bone-broth diet. You start your baby on broths, then eventually add vegetables to it, then eventually meat, etc. I plan to keep Damen gluten and dairy free for his first year (at least) since he's had such a tough go. (Which is another blog in itself as I am planning to make our household gluten free and dairy limited). The broth diet is easy on the digestive system while introducing some great nutrients into the body at the same time, so I am excited to give it a go!

April 9th 2015
so here I am about to write how good Damens bowels have been doing after his osteopath appointment, and about 3 days ago I notice the scent and mucous are starting to creep bacK minor.  So almost 3 weeks isn't bad! The color is still yellow at least. But then thIS morning I change his diaper and there is blood in his stool :(. Called health link and they said monitor it for 3 days and if the majority of his stools contain blood then take him in. Anyways! Here's hoping it's an isolated incident.

April 12th:

We had two diapers on the 9th with blood then none the next few days and then more today. I see a pediatric doctor tomorriw for Carter so I will inquire there but my current suspicion is "allergic colitis" - fits the bill in many ways.

April 24th:
Last week we took Damen for another Body Talk session with Martha Birkett. It was amazing! Damen was sound asleep the entire session. She worked on him right in his carseat (touching his head and tummy and arms, etc) and he slept through the whole thing. Then I felt inspired to ask her to 'talk' to Damen about his sleep and if there's something wrong with his room/crib because ALL our kids have rejected sleeping in the crib (Carter the least). What she found that it was something linked to Michael. Whether it was him or something/someone linked to him she wasn't sure but Michael needed to be cleared. By shear fluke (or maybe not?) Michael came to the appointment with us. She started to clear him using tuning forks and Damen suddenly starts thrashing in his carseat and instantly screaming! HE was not wanting to let it go whatever it was. I picked him up and soothed him and he very intently, furrowed brow, watched Martha over the next 12 minutes while she cleared Michael. Michael all the while said he felt tingly. By the end Damen slowly calmed and settled and relaxed, and just before Martha finished Damen let out a big sigh and totally relaxed. I even got emotionally out of the blue mid session (which SO isn't me). It was a phenominal experience with amazing results! The demeaner of our family and Damen changed and it was like a huge weight lifted off multiple shoulders in our home. And! the relationship between Michael and Damen improved drastically!
Tuesday this week (three days ago) Wendy came and did blood analysis, and Damen's blood was HUGELY improved. The first dry sample had no trace of bowel issues, and the second hugely better. Still there but it's finally some big changes that make me happy :)  I look forward to continuing to see Martha and still keeping my diet dairy/wheat/nut free, and doing the broth diet, etc.

Heres the big healthy boy! Apr 24-2015

Feeding the family - January post that I forgot to post lol

There was a post on facebook (insert link) that suggested 5 ways to improve dinner time. And it got my head spinning about what our dinners look like. Let me lay it out one person at a time:

1.       Me: no dairy, no wheat, no corn, no sweets. Turkey, chicken or fish ONLY. Minimal rice/potatoes. Limited vegetables (eliminating all the gas producing ones), limited fruit (certain fruits cause me alot of gas as well).

2.       Michael: he is surprisingly picky! He won’t eat most fruits, he is VERY picky on his vegetables, he doesn’t like fish (more than once a month), etc.

3.       Logan: self-proclaimed vegetarian. The only meat he will eat are processed meatballs, turkey bacon and chicken nuggets – which I can’t feed him these ALL the time, they’re not very good quality meats! He is a very good vegetable eater, just as long as they are simple and plain (cooked or raw). No sauces unless it’s cheese sauce, and even then he will only eat cheese sauce on a few things. He is a “can’t be touching” style of eater.

4.       Carter: Carter has been my best eater so far. He is learning some bad habits sadly from Logan but he will eat most everything, sometimes with a bit of a fight. He is just starting to not want certain things. Hes my meat eater. Would eat meat and carbs over vegetables any day.

5.       Damen: milk! ;)

Okay, so that’s a general gist of our meal standards. What do I cook? Well, I am a bit of a health nut (not extreme like some), so my meals generally are a meat, potato or rice, and vegetable(s). A week would look something like this for dinners: 1. Tacos (everyone can then pick their toppings), 2. Chicken, rice & green beans (everyone will eat this except Logan won’t eat the chicken so he’d get nuts or a meat he likes made separately), 3. Tuesdays we always have fries or onion rings with carrots or green beans or broccoli, plus chicken nuggets. It’s kind of “logans day” cuz he has music and beavers and it’s a busy day with little prep time, 4. Soup. Michael and I are the only ones who will eat soup. So I end up making a plate of raw veggies and meatballs for the boys (or something along those lines), 5. Roast or steak with potatoes and broccoli/cauli, 6. Pork chops with peas and corn and salad (peas and corn are not a great vegetable – since they are a carb I never serve them with rice or potatoes). 7. Spaghetti and meatballs: this one is tricky. Carter and Michael will eat it as is. Logan has noodles with cheese on top so no sauce for him, and I make myself a spaghetti squash to have with the sauce. A little extra work, but not a heap. I keep all sauces to the side if ever there is one.

Yes it’s simple and not “fancy” but we are getting good food out of it, and everyone is getting a balanced diet as well. Regardless how picky the kid is, I have a strict VEGETABLE rule. They are required to eat all of the vegetables I serve them, especially since I never make them eat something they don’t like. If they don’t eat the “other stuff” so be it.

Now the article suggested rule #5 was thanking the cook for the meal. I LOVE this rule – I am quickly going to add it into our routine as I never thought about it! And we fight with Carter to stay at the table, but asking to be excused is something we never did as kids, which I’d also like to add to our family routine. So I would like to start using that with Carter and see if he will stop leaving so often because he will have to ask to go and we will politely tell him not yet. Who knows, worth a shot!

Last comment: going out to peoples houses. I get looked at funny I’m sure (even though I do prewarn people) but I pack food when we go places. I firstly ask what they are serving to see what is available for me and what is available for Logan to eat (the other two can usually make it through almost anything). Then I pack Logan a meal accordingly and myself. Now, when I say I pack a meal, trust me, it is a healthy meal – Logan’s not getting snack foods or anything. He’s getting usually a huge amount of vegetables and some cheese or a sandwich or meatballs, etc. And I usually just bring something to match what they’re having, just in a “clean eating” format. I always feel judged at certain homes, but frankly I am not about to force anyone to eat something they don’t like (and it’s not the place to do so – we do work with Logan at trying things, but in the privacy of our home – they don’t need to see the tantrums and reactions to it at their home), and I don’t expect to be catered to so I figure the best solution is just bringing our own, especially since 50% of our family will be participating lol. And possibly more depending whats being served.

The backyard renovation

I am extemely excited! Our financing is -almost- completed, our general contractor is hired and our good friends are electricians so we have some wicked ideas floating around... our backyard is gonna rock!

The project:

1. Rebuild upper deck - extend it ourward a few feet and across to be in front of the dining window. Possible a pergola over the top.
1a) build stairs coming from.the top.deck to the bottom

2. Build entire bottom patio/deck. (So many ideas for this)

3. Build proper stairs coming down to the backyard.

4. Possibly look at rebuilding garden plots while we are at it. (budget pending)

Our contractor will do entire upper deck. We plan to assist heavily with the ground level work. We sit down with him mid february and building hopefully will start first of april (or sooner weather depending).

Welcome Damen Riley Bly

 

Nov 16th, 2014 we welcomed our baby boy Damen into the world.

18 weeks utero

 37 weeks pregnant

 Midwife team

 Daddy with Damen

 Mommy with Damen day #2

Brothers :) 

The Birth Story:

Damen was my by far toughest delivery yet (and his pregnancy was pretty rough per previous posts as well). The 5 days leading up the 16th I would experience cramps and painful braxton hicks, which was super annoying because I would get excited that maybe it was 'time'. Then Saturday the 15th I teased michael that that would be the night because he had a bunch of friends coming over for a UFC fight night. Low and behold as I was hanging out with my friend Kim playing games I started to get mild contractions every 20-30 mins - but I didn't know they were officially contractions yet because of all the pre-cramps I had been experiencing. 

Once all of Michael's friends left around 11:30 I went to bed, but was only able to sleep for 30-60 mins and then I was up the rest of the night from there. I was definitely having contractions. Starting at 1am I started timing them. I was having them every 2-6 minutes and they lasted roughly 30 seconds each wave. They were painful enough that I had to breath through each wave but not excruciating. At 2:00 I called my midwife and she said when the contractions are lasting 1 minute in length to call her back. So I did everything to get comfortable (I even tried sitting in a bath) and by 4 they were every 2-3 minutes apart but not 1 minute in length - still 35-45 seconds long. However! I called her because I was now reaching "I can't do this" phase and I was completely exhausted because it'd been over 3 hours of "painful" contractions. She said she would pack up and be there within the hour. So the team arrived at 5am and I was completely and utterly wasted, lying on my bed in fetal position trying to cope through each contraction. By 6:00 I plain just gave up. That's when they broke my water. I was fully dilated by 5 but they wanted to see if my water would break on it's own. So they broke my water and an hour and 20 minutes later I was -finally- able to push Damen out. I once again could not get my head wrapped around pushing, so he was very beat up and cone headed when he finally came out. He also got a little jammed up on the way out. We think he was a little bit twisted, and apparently I had some cervix in the way (I still don't know what that means but they had to push it out of the way) and it took about 7 solid good pushes to get him out. ...which was unfortunate because by this time I had almost no strength left so each push was completely exhausting. And BOY did he hurt! I about jumped out of my skin during those final 20 minutes. 

But then! out he finally came! My big 9lb 10oz, 22 1/2" long baby boy. They laid him on me while the cord pulsed out and I basically fell right to sleep. My placenta (which funny thing all the midwives commented how huge my placenta was haha) basically came out with him so they took it right away (one 'final' push). They kept trying to give me the baby but I just told them to give him to Michael. I was so tired I couldn't even think straight. 

Funny story though: they kept having to listen to the babys heart rate with the doppler thing, and I would get so angry at them LOL, it was driving me completely crazy because they'd have to apply some pressure to my stomach each time they listened and I was like 'just get that thing away from me!' haha, not sure why but it just drove me mental. 

Logan woke up at 7:30am and we sent him downstairs so we could get everything all cleaned up. And Carter slept til 8am. I have NO idea how they slept through everything because I was LOUD, all night long. Moaning, groaning, screaming, whining lol...and they were in the room next to ours! The most precious moment for me was when Carter sauntered in I said "look carter, your baby is here" and his eyes truly lightened right up and he gasped and said "is it mine?" - I almost cried right there it was so sweet. 

And that was it! Midwives tidied up and got everything in order and were gone by 10am (maybe sooner even?) and I basically slept the rest of the day away. My mom arrived at roughly 7:15 and I told her not to come up cuz I didn't want anyone else in the room, but she heard the final moments leading to his birth. She and my dad then took the boys to church and they all held the baby the rest of the day while I slept - just bringing him to feed every so often. 

How we picked his name:

Numerous people have asked me where we got his name. And to be honest, I have no idea! I had an ongoing list of boy and girl names in my phone on a list that over the past 6 months whenever I thought of or heard a name I/we liked, I wrote it down. We had Damen, Riley and Cooper on our list, but when we looked at him he was 100% a Damen. We let the little boys pick his middle name. So its just a name we liked :)

Damen's First Week:

And now here we are, one week later! Damen is a wonderful baby. He definitely suffers from tummy issues - has a hard time passing his bowel movements. I have taken him to my chiropractor and it has done wonderful things for him, and I have eliminated wheat and dairy and processed sugar from my diet best I can. If by end of next week he's still suffering I will add a few veggies/starches to the elimination list. But other than that he is doing fabulously! He hasn't lost weight (my babies never have), he sleeps fairly well through the night - every 3 hours I feed him, which some may not think is sleeping well but for me since I've had insomnia my entire pregnancy, sleeping 3 hr intervals has been heavenly :) And the boys LOVE their baby brother. It is so sweet actually, they are just darling with him. I haven't had to worry about leaving Damen in their presence while I run to the bathroom or throw some laundry in, etc. We are one happy family and I am loving our laid back life right now - having little to no obligations and just being home with my children has been incredibly satisfying. I haven't even wanted to out much (which is odd cuz I usually get quite stir crazy). 

38 1/2 weeks tomorrow

So the past 24 hours have been ... good? I have been waking up constantly all night long thinking im in labor - but not only that, ive been dreaming im in labor then wake up almost panicked! And we are talking every 30-60 mins ALL night long.

Then yesterday but even worse today, baby has significantly dropped low into my pelvis, restricting ALOT of my normal movement and day to day activity - but not only is it uncomfortable, its painful :(

And today i have been in.basically a full time braxton hicks contraction! It has been one after another after another ALL day!

Its so hard not to think that "maybe the babys coming really soon". A girl can dream -- i know baby comes when it comes but a girl can dream :) heres hoping my suffering ends soon!